Raising A Child in a Non-violence Way

I was recommended to read up a post about "Spanking" on this blog (teachertomblog) from a friend whom I once tried to convince that violence may not be as effective as she thinks to teach a child. Most of the people around me knew that I'm determine in heading towards the non-violence route of parenting. I never believe that spanking or any form of violence are effective way to discipline. It may be the fastest and most convenient way to get a child to stop a bad behaviour or to do what you want them to. However, they will "listen"or "behave" just plainly out of fear or to escape pain, and not because they know what they did is wrong. And as long as they found ways to escape the punishment, they will do it again.

 I remember times when my parents caned us for staying up late during school days just to watch tv. We got caned and never dared to switch on that tv after midnight. However much effort are used to think of possible ways to get rid of the canes, by secretly hiding or even throwing them down the rubbish chute. And once we knew our parents doesn't have that dreadful weapon anymore, that tv goes back on again. My parents are not dumb, they always stock up spare canes and hid them from us too. Throughout that entire period, we only know that we would get caned if we refuse to sleep and sneak out to switch on the tv after midnight, but we never ever felt that it was not right to do so.

Back to the topic on spanking, the child easily learns from their parents that by instilling fear or inflicting pain to the other party (yelling, hitting, biting or breaking their stuffs) is the right method to get their way easily. And you guess it right, my siblings and I grew up fighting with one another. We are totally far from being loving or supportive kind of siblings. Our parents did have a tough time with us too.

We think we turn out well growing up in an environment where our parents spank us (who doesn't?), but it doesn't mean my child have to go through the same kind of parenting I went through especially when now I have the knowledge of a better alternative method I can use which is more effective than the one I was brought up in. It reminds me of a phrase I always find inspiring... "I don't want my children to follow my footsteps. I want them to take the path next to me and go further than I could have ever dream possible." I think I turned out fine, but I wish my child turns out better than me.

And last but not least... it just doesn't make sense to hit a child to teach him not to hit others...

Reagan has no issue with sharing and playing with other children affably. He is a affectionate baby who just love interactions with human-beings. I am confident enough to leave him alone in a playroom with other children and remained assured that he would never raise his voice or his hands to hurt anyone. He will not even disturb a passing ant... Baby Reagan is good with other children, but probably not vice versa. He sometimes made a very easy target for bullies and there are times I wonder if I'm doing the right thing to shelter him from using violence, so he no longer able to "protect"himself. Then again I've to constantly remind myself to stay firm in my belief because my child is only slightly over a year old, his mother is suppose to do the "protection", he doesn't need to display any self-defensive skill at this stage. People may "close an eye" to a child that display violence in public, but the society we lives in can never accept an adult that behaves the same manner. And we all knew, a violent child will grow up into a violent adult if nothing is done at early years to change the behaviour. 

The below short extractions from the blog I read explains pretty well on the issue of spanking children. Please take some time to digest. It has once again reinforce my belief in raising Reagan in a non-violence way, using love, patience and setting of good examples to discipline and instil good values. It may take more time and effort, but it really drives down to the goals of what I really want my child to learn. 

I’ve had people shrug at my moral stance and insist that spanking “works,” and I’m sure it does. There are lots of things that work that I will never try.If I need money, stealing works, but wouldn’t it be better if I worked to earn a higher income? If you’re standing in my way, pushing you works, but wouldn’t it be better to politely ask you to allow me to pass? Indeed, spanking may work, but there are better ways. They just take more effort.

Spanking damages the brain. It literally reduces grey matter and therefore intelligence, learning, sensory perception, speech, muscular control, emotions and memory. Research consistently links corporal punishment with aggression in children, poor academic performance, depression, and anti-social tendencies.

 it comes down to simple morality. I don't hit people. I don't hit people even when I'm right. I don't hit people when I'm angry. I don't hit people when they won't do what I want them to do. I don't hit other people because hitting is immoral. And it doesn't soften me to call it "spanking."

Our job as important adults in children's lives is to teach them what their behaviors mean, not to label them. And we don't do that by treating them as we would aggressive, violent adults, but rather by engaging in rational conversation, by honestly discussing our own opinions and values, by helping them come to an understanding of how their behaviours might be perceived by others

Anyway, back to the friend who send me the link above...she was convinced and proudly let us know that she even went home to apologise to her darling boy, lol! 

 (I know you're reading this..thanks for sharing and also, hats off to you!)

Montessori in the Home: Teach by Teaching, not by Correcting

Teach by Teaching, not by Correcting

The most powerful tool parents have for sharing their way of life and their values is the example they set.  In every waking moment of the child’s life, especially in the first three years, she is learning and becoming more and more like those people she finds around her.  She will imitate the way of walking, moving, talking, the vocabulary, the handling of objects, the emotions, manners, taste, and the respect and consideration (or lack of) for others, and on and on.  The first important thing we can do is to surround her with the kind of people we want her to emulate.  These are her first teachers.  

The second is to avoid correcting when the lesson can be taught in another way. For example, if a child is continually slamming the door very loudly, the best approach is to: 

1) Note that the child needs to be shown how to close a door carefully and quietly. 

2) Choose a neutral moment (which means not an emotionally charged moment when the adult is upset by the door slamming). 

3) Give an amusing, exaggerated, and interesting lesson, showing the child how to close the door – turning the handle so carefully and slowly that there is no sound whatever.  Try other doors, do it over and over, as long as it is being enjoyed by both. 

  

With these lessons you can teach brushing teeth, putting away toys, pouring milk.  Manners lessons, like saying “Please” and “Thank you”, come from the culture in which the child lives.

When parents and children begin to spend more active time together the need for these lessons comes up often and can be enjoyed by both adult and child.  And life becomes more and more pleasant.  

Extracted from 'Montessori in the Home."

You Are Your Child's First Teacher: Discipline and Other Parenting Issues

• The Question Of Discipline
  All discipline starts with self-discipline by the parents. It does not mean punishment. In fact "discipline" comes from the same root as "disciple" , so we're asking how we can raise our child to become devoted followers of their highest ideals, and not how we can force them to obey us. 

• Imitation and Example
  The principles of examples and imitation are so effective with a very young child that if you want to teach a certain behavior, it is the best to perform that behavior in front or (with) him, instead of giving the child orders or directions. For eg, instead of ordering, "Don't eat with your fingers!", pick up a spoon and demonstrating to him "we eat with our spoon." Instead of saying "Go clean up your toys.", perhaps you can do the duty together with your child while saying "Time to put your toys away!" Instructions combined with movement, song and good humor go a long way into getting a child involve in an activity. This approach emphasized on trying to say things POSITIVELY. Our actions speak to a young child more powerfully than our words.

• When You Say "NO!"
  - When what he wishes to do would be harmful to himself , eg.playing with a scissor
  - When what he wishes to do would be harmful to others, eg. pushing another child
  - When what he wishes to do result in real damage, eg. using markers on the wall

• Our Own Emotions
  Because children imitates efficiently, we need to monitor our own emotions and actions when interacting with them. Children don't do things to annoy you. They're exploring the world and testing out what works to get their needs met.When a child tries to approach with an annoying behaviour, parents tend to remain silent until they reached their limit, and overreacted from the string of annoyance. As a result, the child feels unacknowledged and continue the negative behavior to get the attention he expected.

• Why Parenting Takes SO Much Energy
  The first thing that is necessary for a happy and healthy baby is to have a happy and healthy mother. Babies are nourished by love and care just as they are nourished by food. The reason parenting takes so much energy is that the life forces of the mother and baby are interconnected through the first three years. The young children are surrounded and consumed by "life energy" or "vitality" from their mother, therefore it can be rather deceptive that it seems you're accomplishing so little that day, but feels that energy has been totally drained . Caring for young children draws on your vital energy and you need to replenish your own vital forces to continue to feel good in your mothering.

My highlighted keypoints from Chapter 7, Discipline and other Parenting Issue. 
Title: You Are Your Child's First Teacher (Third Edition)
By: Rahima Baldwin Dancy